


You, Mr. Living-a-Lie, Flying So High (goodbye, goodbye)

by dls



Series: Look Who's Perfect Now [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:18:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9386966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dls/pseuds/dls
Summary: Bucky Barnes vowed to stay with Steve Rogers "until the end of the line." Seventy years changed almost everything: Steve became Captain America, Bucky was learning how to be James, and the line didn't have an end anymore thanks to the super soldier serum running through their veins. Seventy years also changed almost nothing: Captain America still punched first, James couldn't contain the damage done in his name, and sleep was the only answer.Or: 5 Times James "Bucky" Barnes Stayed by Steve Rogers' Side and the 1 Time He Didn't





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [parsnip](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/89423360).
> 
> Beta-ed by [Arboreal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arboreal).
> 
> References/Quotes:   
>  Title from "Look Who's Perfect Now" by Transister.   
>  _The West Wing_.   
>  _Captain America: The First Avenger_. _Captain America: Winter Soldier_. _Captain America: Civil War_.

**One.**

The first time Bucky met Steve, the smaller boy was lying on the ground and gasping for air. Bucky's first thought was that it was an asthma attack, followed by an overwhelming urge to  _run away_  because he wasn't a grown up, and finally relief when Steve sat up and coughed out a greeting.

He listened to Steve's story, somewhat doubtful of his description of Toby, who was always nice to Bucky. But Steve was upset and on the verge of having a  _legitimate_  asthma attack, so Bucky swallowed his questions and made an offhanded comment about Toby being a dweeb, which was 75% true because Toby  _loved_  math an unhealthy amount. They walked to the intersection where their paths diverged, then parted ways. 

Bucky thought that was the end of their encounter, seeing how they didn't really know each other and Steve's chattering rant about bullies was  _weird_. From Steve's perspective, nearly everyone had violence in their hearts and malice in their actions – an exhaustingly awful way to see the world. The mostly one-sided conversation drained Bucky, in a way his young mind couldn't quite understand, but then Steve's brightly enthusiastic wave as they said good-byes sort of offset the negativity. So overall, Bucky considered the day a good one. 

The next morning, Bucky was getting ready for school when Mrs. Rogers and Steve stopped by with a loaf of banana bread, Mrs. Rogers said it was a gift for Bucky and his kindness.

Bucky reddened and hummed an awkward thank-you; his blush deepened when his mother beamed at him with such  _pride_  and fussed over his jacket in a way she hadn't since his younger siblings were born. He loved every second of it. So when his mother asked him to look out for Steve, Bucky readily agreed –  _how hard could it be to keep a little guy safe?_  – and left for school with Steve.

 

**Two.**

As it turned out, keeping Steve out of trouble was  _much harder_  than Bucky had thought.

Steve was an active instigator in most of these _confrontations._  The majority of his injuries were self-inflicted because he had attempted to tackle someone to the ground. For a small guy, Steve packed quite an wallop, throwing the entirety of his conviction and weight into his actions.

Bucky admired that, the strength of Steve's beliefs in good and evil, though he also hated it because he could not persuade Steve that some of the "bullies" were just people who said or did things without thinking them through.

The first time Steve had heard Bucky's reasoning, he looked utterly stunned and then enveloped Bucky in a fierce hug, mumbling about how Bucky was  _always seeing the good in people_. By the fifth hug, Steve had started to sound a bit patronizing. By the eighteenth hug, Steve had so much pity in his eyes that  _Bucky just wasn't getting it_  that Bucky gave up.

Bucky tried a different approach, asking Steve to be considerate of his mother who was worried sick each time her son left their home because she wasn't sure if he would return with one black eye or if she would have to visit him in the hospital.

Mrs. Rogers was like a second mom to Bucky; on the days when his mother's attention was divided between work, chores, and his siblings, Bucky mentally moved Mrs. Rogers up to the first-mom position. When Steve still refused to back down even for the sake of his  _mother_ , that was their first and only real fight in the years of their friendship.

The aftermath lasted two days and ended when Steve caved first and apologized, explaining that he couldn't run away because then he would always be running. Bucky thought it was completely stupid, but Steve did extend the olive branch first so he felt obligated to accept the apology and explanation. It wasn't until  _much_  later that Bucky realized he was the one who caved.

Mrs. Rogers, eyes rimmed with red even as her lips smiled a greeting for him, had regular visits with his mother. Steve and Bucky would play together, creating imaginary monsters to slay and rescuing the younger Barnes kids, while the two women engaged in tense and hushed talks. Bucky couldn't help but feel like he failed them somehow, unable to keep Steve safe like he had promised.

Will Bailey, one of Bucky's friends who Steve never took a liking to, came up with a suggestion that actually worked. Steve was making a name for himself, growing infamous with his righteous acts of morality. Making use of this and his own popularity, Bucky spread the word that the best way to interact with Steve was to disengage.  _Smile, nod, and then walk away._  Most people agreed, likely because they  _were_  decent people who didn't want to be in these situations in the first place and because they were tired of getting tackled. It worked, for the most part – Josh and Donna were an unfortunate exception because they hadn't even seen Steve coming. Discounting these minor hiccups, Bucky thought his plan was working great. Steve was down to one black eye a month and Mrs. Rogers seemed happier during her visits. Steve was predictably insufferable about how  _he knew all along that bullies were weak and ran away when confronted_ , but Bucky had years of practice tuning him out.

 

**Three.**

Bucky was nineteen when Mrs. Rogers passed away. He couldn't quite wrap his mind around it, despite seeing her waste away as the coughing fits grew worse. Steve was silent throughout the funeral, fists clenched and body coiled tight, looking even smaller in his black suit. Bucky felt fiercely protective of his friend in that moment, and the feeling intensified as he walked Steve home.

The thought of Steve walking into an apartment that was  _his and his alone_  made Bucky sick, something churning in his stomach and climbing up his throat. He was glad what came out was an offer for Steve to stay with them instead of his lunch - Steve had enough to deal with already.

For all Steve's faults, he was a decent guy and had always been a good friend. Bucky felt his insides settling down as he made Steve the promise to be with him  _‘til the end of the line._  He could and would do this for his friend.

 

**Four.**

The war came.

Steve's attempts at enlisting had been amusing at first, but as they got more absurd and  _illegal,_  Bucky stopped laughing. Steve was already seeing enemies everywhere in the suburbs, putting him in a war zone would be an absolute disaster. A small and snide voice in Bucky's head nagged that Steve should go fight for their country, because then  _for once_  his paranoia about there being people out to get him would be correct. Bucky pushed that voice down as far as he could, the way he had since taking Steve under his wings but lately it was getting more persistent –  _just like Steve,_  it whispered.

The day before he was being shipped out to England, Bucky found Steve in the alleyway behind the movie theater, throwing out taunts relentlessly and  _getting punched_  repeatedly. Bucky was reluctant to come to his friend's rescue because he knew Jed had just lost his brother. By tomorrow, he would be on a different continent and maybe it was finally time for Steve to open his eyes to the harsh bright truth that  _people actually being decent_  without Bucky's enabling shadow in the way.

Bucky walked away with two beautiful women at the end of the night, buzzing pleasantly on their flowery perfume, soft bodies, and tinkling giggles. The perfect way for a solider to spend his last night at home, except for the dark spot of anger caused by Steve's parting joke -  _don't win the war till I get there_. Steve didn't know war the way Bucky did, and likely never would. It was just Steve failing to be funny, faking bravado for comedy and projecting arrogance for effect. Though the voice whispered,  _every joke is half true._

 

**Five.**

When Bucky and his unit were ambushed then captured at Azzano, he prayed for a quick death.

When he met Dr. Zola, he prayed for any kind of death.

Later, he would realize _Bucky_ had died with his first injection as a test subject, years before he fell from the train. Bucky was living on borrowed time, even as he reunited with his childhood best friend and fought against the enemy with  _Captain America_.

Steve's transformation bothered him. Bucky was happy for his friend and grateful to have him there, but seeing the same blind convictions to morality in a  _super solider_  was far more terrifying and far less endearing than when it had just been  _Steve_. Bucky was further unnerved when Steve received no punishment for disobeying a direct order, and was in fact rewarded for it, but kept quiet because Steve saved hundreds of lives and he was just so relieved to have his friend near. 

When Steve was named the leader of the Howling Commandos, Bucky didn't feel jealous. The weight in his stomach was too cold and heavy to be jealousy – it felt like dread. With the serum, Steve could break Toby with one push, cripple Josh with a kick, or kill Jed with a single punch. The war changed all of them, making them wary of their surrounding. What would that do to Steve, who already lived in fear and vigilance? What had it done already? 

Like a good friend, Bucky dropped quips and anecdotes with overt casualness to help Steve remember who he was and where he came from. He meant every word when he said he would not follow Captain America, but would follow  _that little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight_. They fought together, flawlessly, just like they had battled imaginary monster in a Brooklyn apartment. 

Until Bucky fell and woke up as someone else. 

 

**One.**

The only names that mattered were those of his targets. He didn't have a name. As the Winter Soldier, there was no need for possessions, especially intangible ones like identity or memories or emotions.  _Want_ was a different matter, however. The moments where he felt the need to reach for  _something_  were fleeting, those longings neutralized by the chair, sometimes repeatedly, before they could become more coherent. This was how he operated, in a space of concrete orders, for decades.

Then on an assignment in 2014, the Winter Soldier caught a shield. A shield that he had seen in  _and out_  of training simulations. A shield that led to a face that led to an almost memory. A shield that triggered a tightness behind his eyes and an ache in his chest.

He had not suffered injuries that would cause these symptoms. These feelings disconcerted him and he longed to be asleep again so he could forget. Sleep did not come, but he had a new mission and more targets. He found comfort in the consistency.

His new targets fought with fists and words, one in particular throwing him off balance with more speed and force than any punch:  _Bucky_. Fragments flickered in his mind. The same face set in stubbornness. A train speeding on snowy tracks. Pain that made him pray for death. All of these images set him prickling with unease. He wanted them gone and was thankful – though he did not appear so as to avoid additional questions – when he was ordered to undergo the procedure again.

Later, the Winter Soldier faced off against Captain America again. "People are gonna die, Buck. I can't let that happen."

A sense of déjà vu, he had heard this before. From a smaller and younger version of this super soldier,  _"He was a bully, Buck. I can't let that happen."_

They fought; Captain America hurled  _Bucky_  around like another shield, each hit landing heavier than the previous one.  _James Buchanan Barnes_  knocked him off balance the way a well-time hook did in boxing. He boxed, he suddenly remembered. He taught  _Steve_ how to box, to help  _Steve_  channel his aggression only to realize the lessons actually encouraged  _Steve_  to fight.  _Steve,_  who plummeted into the river below and needed someone to keep him out of trouble.

The Winter Soldier was that someone, apparently. 

After checking to make sure Steve was alive, he left. The rush of memories and feelings were too strong to bear and too many to process. He felt conflicted with his need to protect this man and his urge to flee from him. The apprehension had nothing to do with his training, because the Winter Soldier did not know fear; this was the kind of trepidation associated with knowing something is  _wrong_  but cannot pinpoint the cause. Why did he feel this way about Steve, who promised to be with him until the end?

He had to find answers, but first, he needed to find his name. The Smithsonian Institution's memorial for  _James Buchanan Barnes_  felt like a breath of fresh air. Information without emotions. He assigned himself a mission: to get to know James Barnes.

* 

James liked reading, tea, and plums. James disliked being framed for bombing incidents, landing on the most-wanted list, and the name  _Bucky_.

The list of dislikes grew exponentially and explosively. Words and events and people crashed over him, drowning out his thoughts and leaving him operating in a primal state of fight or flight. When he finally had a moment to breathe, process, and  _be_ James, he was in Wakanda, a fugitive hiding from most of the nations in the world.

Captain America was talking in that familiarly unsettling way again, him versus the world, with  _Bucky_ cast as the victim instead of himself like it had been in their childhood. In his retelling of the events, Captain America focused on the bullies and their disregard for the little people and their right to superheroes – or was it the superheroes' right to the little people? - with Tony Stark painted as the biggest bully of them all, betraying friendships and imprisoning innocents. James objected silently; none of them were innocent, they all broke laws and took lives. He wanted to speak up, but the words distorted into a sigh as they left his lips. So James sat, eyes unfocused on the lush Wakanda scenery with Captain America's muttering about how it all went wrong in the background.  _Never asking why, only asking how and who._

James' stomach clenched when he picked up the subtle details that shifted with each iteration, rearranging facts and twisting intentions until it all fit within the framework of Captain America taking a stand against bullies. It was the past brought into the present, but they were no longer in Brooklyn, where the damages were easier to contain and Steve couldn't walk upstairs without huffing and puffing.

In less than a week, they had demolished buildings, collapsed a tunnel, and wrecked an airport. James shuddered when he considered the lives and livelihoods lost, which Captain America must have taken as a response supporting his grand speech because he squeezed James' shoulder in sympathy and continued on about "the best hands are our own." 

James stifled a snort. Steve never had the best judgment, misinterpreting and overreacting to the slightest things; hands clenched into fists, always ready for a punch but never for a handshake.

If this man were still  _Steve_ , then  _Bucky_  might have been able to redirect him or his targets, but Steve and Bucky and their friendship had faded away as almost seventy years passed them by. They were  _Captain America_  and  _James_ , virtual strangers held together by tendrils of distant nostalgia. 

He didn't trust Captain America. Not only did he use Bucky as justification for his own appalling behavior and would continue to use Bucky as a rallying cry, but he also twisted words and warped realities in a way that terrified James, who was impressionable and vulnerable and still learning the world and himself. He was not safe with Captain America, who would lead him into danger without explanations and use him without a second thought. 

Captain America had violence in his heart and malice in his actions. Unintentional, perhaps, but intent mattered little compared to actions and consequences. 

When Captain America began strategizing how to break into the Raft and the role Bucky would play in the extraction, James found his voice. "No." The word rang clear and true in the vastness of the palace. "I think I need to go back under, it's the best thing for  _everybody_."  

**Author's Note:**

> [dls-ao3.tumblr.com](https://dls-ao3.tumblr.com/)


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